Anew.

{A fresh breath has blown in. So let's clean it out!}

I take the new school year as an opportunity to re-tune. We took a long vacation over the summer, driving from California to Tennessee. Traveling slowly, experiencing people and places, gave me time to really pay attention to life.

I was able to see the beauty in what is sometimes mundane. To me, anyway. I love to eat, and don't mind cooking but the chore of figuring it all out every day, every week... going to the grocery store... it wears me down.

But, you see these people, these towns. And you know ~ we're all in it. We're all doing it. Wide expanses of land, tended to, worked, cared for, played on. I realized the blessing of our home and the small little piece of our own land, and was inspired to care for it in the same way.

So the decision was made: Enjoy Everyday. Even the chores, even the errands. And to do that, I concluded, I had to create a really good schedule for myself. Because that's how I work. I like to have little projects, to accomplish stuff. (On a side note, I'm going to try and start to document all of this accomplishing more. Sometimes it's pretty good!)

So I broke up the day into a schedule for myself, including time for walking, yoga, meal planning, chores, and even relaxing. (It's called Free Time so it's no obvious that many days I nap on the couch while the kids play all around me.)

I want to make my life a little easier, so I have the kids helping a lot. It is a bit of time to get going, because I have to actually show them how I want them to wipe down the cabinets! They didn't just know. We are two weeks into the new chore situation, and so far, they're doing great. I made magnets with the chores, and each kid has 1 chore per day.

Once they get the chore done they get a House Point. (Inspired by Harry Potter.) They get to spend points as they wish.

I broke up my own daily chores into manageable tid bits, so it really only takes 15-30 minutes a day, therefore, I feel very accomplished while also keeping my wits about me.

This feels good. I'm happy, I'm relaxed, the house in clean, dinners are not the horrible chore they were. One day I even got BORED. Luckily, I just renewed my subscription to Bazaar, because I'm actually getting interested in Fashion again.

Place.

{I'm in my 30's and wondering where the hell I belong.}

I suppose we all go through moments of uncerainty about some things. Maybe this haircut was a bad idea. And even more serious things. Am I really having a baby? Really?

I look back on my life, well, the past 15 years or so, and I see so many changes. I know it's not that long. But just remembering some of the outfits I left the house in leads me to shudder. The recent past has seen so many changes it's kind of bewildering. It is a familiar path, for most women, I am sure. Graduate college...get a job...get married...have a baby...


And all along the way there are things to do, hobbies, fun things. I used to go see music and art a lot. (not anymore.. too late.) I used to make clothes (don't want to start and stop every 10 minutes.) I used to like to cruise through a city's worth of thrift stores to find that one thing that made it worth it (I've totally lost the ability to keep my attention on one thing for more than 2 1/2 minutes)

And friendships. Friendships are different. I used to lounge around all day, maybe see a movie, maybe go shopping, with my best friend. Now we all have kids. Our kids are our individual universes, as it should be. But here I am... wondering why my friends aren't wanting to spend every moment with me anymore. Umm. Maybe because they're busy doing laundry and reading Cat In The Hat, also?!

I hope to adjust to it all soon. I hope to not feel sorry for myself.

Change is good, as long as I can keep up.

View.

{My life to music. Volume something or other.}

This song isn't new.  Listen to it really loud, all alone. It's like a drug.





As life gets longer, awful feels softer. Well if feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully. 

If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again. Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer. And it feels pretty soft to me.

Lack.

{and i don't mean that cost-effective Ikea side table.}

I mean lack-ing.  Lacking... motivation. identity. creativity. wanderlust. These things I once had. Maybe had too much. Kept me moving on and on, moving from this to that, here to there. Now that I'm stopped, it might feel stagnant.

And it shouldn't, because life is moving very fast. These three kids keep me in motion, and they are in constant motion, a persistant state of change that is going at a pace with which I cannot. keep. up.

And somewhere, somewhere behind me along this path, little bits of myself have fallen off, rolled under the rose bush, or been forgotten. If I go back to look, will I get lost? Will I remember where I left off?

When a woman has a child, it is transforming. In a very beautiful, intense and passionate way. and I feel beyond grateful to have experienced this. three glorious times. And to get to know these three people who are a part of me, yet compelelty their own. I take great care in them, and tend to their hearts, pray for them, provide. And it's wonderful.

But not blissful. I'd be lying to pretend its blissful. I am tired. a lot. a lot tired.

I guess it's stupid to miss myself. I mean, do I really think myself is all that great? I guess I think myself used to be great. Because, yes, I do miss her. I miss the creative energy. I miss the willingness to put it all out there and ... make. do. go. see. I don't have that in me anymore.

Lacking. Lacking in much. Perhaps because all i have goes to these three little bunnies. All of my go is invested in making their days the best they can be.

I just hope what is Lacking now will be found later.

Credible.

{To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.  -Edward R. Murrow}

Part of my problem with the search for a hobby is sticking to it. No, that really is the problem. I'm just realizing this, so pardon me of my ramblings make you feel like my therapist.

It goes back so far! I could list soooo many things I was all "into" and then... Just.... Stopped. It's like I just start to get good at something and quit it all together. we could go all Psych 101 here but I'll spare us both.

This is certainly true in my career-life as well. I guess really the only thing I am completely committed to is my family. And a good thing, too!

No matter what I get bored with, get over, turn away from... There they are. My Mom always rooting me on, my husband always supporting me with a quiet and genuine desire to see me happy and using my creativity. My kids looking up to me.. Watching me and learning. That last bit kinda scares the bit outta me but I think any coherent momma would feel that way.

What I take from this is the desire to encourage the kids to really invest yourself. Give yourself over to a process and allow it into your heart.... That will commit you.