Enjoying the things I don't actually do.

07 May 2013


{and i don't mean that cost-effective Ikea side table.}

I mean lack-ing.  Lacking... motivation. identity. creativity. wanderlust. These things I once had. Maybe had too much. Kept me moving on and on, moving from this to that, here to there. Now that I'm stopped, it might feel stagnant.

And it shouldn't, because life is moving very fast. These three kids keep me in motion, and they are in constant motion, a persistant state of change that is going at a pace with which I cannot. keep. up.

And somewhere, somewhere behind me along this path, little bits of myself have fallen off, rolled under the rose bush, or been forgotten. If I go back to look, will I get lost? Will I remember where I left off?

When a woman has a child, it is transforming. In a very beautiful, intense and passionate way. and I feel beyond grateful to have experienced this. three glorious times. And to get to know these three people who are a part of me, yet compelelty their own. I take great care in them, and tend to their hearts, pray for them, provide. And it's wonderful.

But not blissful. I'd be lying to pretend its blissful. I am tired. a lot. a lot tired.

I guess it's stupid to miss myself. I mean, do I really think myself is all that great? I guess I think myself used to be great. Because, yes, I do miss her. I miss the creative energy. I miss the willingness to put it all out there and ... make. do. go. see. I don't have that in me anymore.

Lacking. Lacking in much. Perhaps because all i have goes to these three little bunnies. All of my go is invested in making their days the best they can be.

I just hope what is Lacking now will be found later.

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